This is who I am

Last night I entered into my quiet time in tears, with doubts, insecurities, fears, and brokenness. I tried to read the Word, couldn't focus, got frustrated and gave up. I tried to pray. But my thoughts consumed me and I couldn't do that either. Finally, I felt led to get this list of verses that I have about knowing who I am in Christ. It was just what I needed, and through that I received a breakthrough.

I need to become secure in who I am in Him, and not in who I am to the world, to my friends, and loved ones. I want so badly to be everything to everyone, and I just can't. I want so badly for people to accept me, and to understand me and where I'm coming from. I need to realize that's just not possible, people may never understand where I'm coming from. And if no one else understands me, God does. After all, He did make me.

Then I picked up the phone, shared my breakthrough with two of my friends, and went to bed in complete peace and surrender.
Seven hours later.....those same thoughts try flooding my head. God, I know these thoughts are not of you, the enemy is trying to fill my head with lies.

A few months ago, someone called me something, which I don't even think she realized the damage it did. She didn't say it to hurt me, she's not like that.
She called me a 'tomboy'. I've never been called that in my life. I left that night and came home crying my eyes out, I allowed a word to destroy me. I'm not like most girls and I often compare myself to a lot of the girls I know, wondering why I'm so different. Being called a tomboy, made me really think, "God, what is wrong with me?"

I used to think that I am the way I am solely because I grew up as the only girl in my neighborhood, and it was always me and my boys. However now, I'm seeing that yes, I'm sure that was a part of molding me into who I am, but the biggest part is that this is who God made me to be. There is nothing wrong with me. I am perfect in His eyes. This is how He created me.

I think flowers are beautiful, but I do not plant them and have no idea how or desire to know how. That's what they have landscapers for. I have a bamboo plant and I'm surprised I haven't killed that yet. I do not bake. Heck, I don't even own sugar or flour. Dinner parties? Sure, sounds fun. What restaurant are we going to? Or, here’s a pile of take-out menus, where do you want to order from? My theory is, I don't want to clean up, and I don't want to be in the kitchen while everyone else is out having fun. I want to be IN THE MIDDLE of the fun. I do not decorate with cute flowers or figurines or chose to fill my house with clutter. Instead I chose simple and modern. To me, the least is the best. I want cleaning to take the least amount of time as possible, and for me this is how I ensure this. I'm all about simplicity. I'm not lazy, I would just rather spend my time doing things I love with the people I love, then to be planting flowers, baking, cooking, cleaning, etc. However, most of the girls I know ARE into this stuff. And I thought there was something wrong with me because I was not.

I like fast cars (European of course). Sports bikes are hot. I have my motorcycle license. I like quality audio sound. I like to race people at red lights, it brings me great adrenaline rushes. One day I'll wear khakis and a sweater. The next stilettos, sexy jeans and a hot top. The next, Timberland's, jeans, and a hoodie. I don't really have a particular style. There's too many varieties out there, why chose from one? Burps, farts, poop? Doesn't bother me in the least, matter of fact, makes me laugh and is often the topic of conversation. I will say things that will shock you. I am not gentle, I am honest. If you want to know if something looks good and if you should buy it or not, take me shopping with you. I will tell you that it's the wrong color, or that it makes your butt look big.

I don't wear fake nails, or even nail polish. My nails are always filed, and long, and they look fantastic on their own. I don't dye my hair, there's no need to. I don't straighten my hair. God gave me curly hair, I'm gonna rock it. I'll usually go a year without even cutting my hair. I have absolutely crappy skin, and I know if I wore cover-up, I'd look way better. But I just don't care. There are occasions that call for make-up, or just times I do want to wear it. But otherwise, eye liner and lip gloss suffices for me. I am NOT nor will I ever be a size zero. I have hips and thighs. I don't care what the magazine cover girl looks like. I don't want to be 'skinny'. I like weight lifting and I want muscle tone and A BODY. Again, used to think there was something wrong with me because this stuff is important to most girls. Perfection is a common target for most women. Not me.

Dating? I don't need flowers, candy, stuffed animals and all that cute stuff to tell me you like me. Flowers die. Candy makes me fat. Stuffed animals, well, just more to clean around. I'm more of a word and action and quality time type of person. Do something for me instead. Spend time with me. Tell me how you feel and what you’re thinking. But follow your words up with actions because I will cling to every word spoken, and unless followed through, I will not trust you. Empty words will make me run from you. Again, opposite with most girls, they want this 'stuff'. Also, if you flirt with my man in front of me....we will be talking. I do not deal with that; I am feisty.

Marriage? Yes, one day. It's definitely a huge desire of my heart, but in God's perfect timing. Kids? Uhh....some day?? Right now, I'm like 5 years old myself. And most woman I know right now, all they talk about is their wedding day, and having kids, and blah blah blah. God....is there something wrong with me?? Honestly the huge production of a huge wedding scares the crap out of me. Must be the simplicity type of lifestyle I lead. LOL I'll deal with all that when it gets here.

I'm 26; I should probably start thinking about buying a house, or a car. But, I like my tiny apartment. Aside from cleaning, its maintenance free. I come and go as I please. If something breaks down, I call Sheri. Leasing cars is the poorest financial planning decision that there is. But I don't care. I want a new car every couple years. I want a car that I wouldn't be able to afford to buy otherwise, but can afford through a lease. It has nothing to do with social status, or being able to say, "I drive a BMW." Who cares about that, it's just 'stuff'. I am not trying to build up treasures here on earth. It has to do with the fact that I love European cars and the engineering involved in them and just the plain thrill that runs through your veins while driving them. Ever hear a woman say that? LOL

All these thoughts that flood my head.....are all lies. Lies from the enemy, lies from society, and lies from my own stupid self-destructive thinking.
I need to stop thinking that I’m not good enough. That I can’t measure up. That no one will want me. It’s all lies.

God, you made me this way. Yes, my past molded me; but even more so, this is who you created me to be. You placed these desires in my heart. The only person I now live to please is You. I do not need to listen to these lies, anything that is not pure and holy, is not of you, I need to cast them down. It doesn't matter that I'm not like the rest of the girls I know, you created them that way, you created me this way. I don't need to compare myself. What matters is that I am 100% secure in who I am in You.
Thank You for making me different, because now the rest of the people have someone to talk about when I'm not around. KIDDING!

I am not a tomboy. I am beautiful. I am simple. I am bold. I am rooted. I am brutally honest. Somebody will love me and accept me for who I am.

But above all that and more importantly, I am chosen, anointed, set apart, bought with price, God's friend, complete in Christ, my image is etched on the palms of His hands, and I cannot be separated from the love of God.