What happened???

Caught up in a whirlwind. Waiting for it to slow down, or preferably to stop altogether, so that I can get off. I've had enough, I'm tired. The dust is just beginning to settle and I'm starting to see my way through a small clearing that I see somewhere off in the far distance. Sink or swim, the decision is entirely up to me, and me being the fighter that I am, sinking just isn't an option. OK, well metaphorically speaking because we all know I can't swim. LOL

I've never been so terrified in my life. Not only was my physical health taken away from me super quickly, but my mental was also. One day I have poison ivy on my arm...the next day my arm is doubled in size and oozing non-stop....next day I'm in the hospital with cellulitis and septicemia on intravenous steroids, antibiotics, and taking doses of morphine and a drug that's 7x stronger, which I can't recall the name.

My four day hospital stay is a complete blur to me, there's even chunks of time that I don't even recall. I was blessed with tons and tons of visitors, this I know, and am unbelievably grateful for. I remember trying, for the sake of whoever was there, to appear coherent. I'm gonna have to be honest and tell ya'll that ya'll were a bunch of talking heads for the most part because my cognitive abilities were 100% absent. I did lots of shaking my head, and nodding, and agreeing, for lack of being able to formulate any sort of intelligent response. LOL (most of you are probably thinking..wait is that any different then usual?)

I remember crying....a lot. Especially on my birthday. I remember waking up in the middle of the nights and just starting to sob. I was so confused, how the heck did I get there? It wasn't a self-pity type of thing, my mind just truly wasn't working and I couldn't understand or make sense of anything.

They let me out on Sunday, they said I wasn't OK, but seeing how my course of intravenous drugs were done, that I could go home. I was cleared from the doctor from Infectious Disease, given all of my scripts, and sent on my way. All of you who were there, are aware of the less then adequate care that I had received; sometimes waiting AN HOUR after hitting the nurse's button before someone even came. Umm.....took 7 times to even start an IV. I look like a heroine addict, my arms are bruised all over. There were also drug mix ups. This will ALL be reported.

When I woke up that following morning after being released, and saw that I had slept 16 hours straight, and felt the most pain I've felt in my life...I was in sheer terror. I thought I was going to die, there was no doubt in my mind that I was going to die. I couldn't even breathe, the pain throughout my entire chest cavity was excruciating, and all my glands in my neck and armpit were so swollen that I couldn't even touch them. My sister was already on her way to bring me back to the hospital. By the time I got there my entire body was shaking and I thought I was going to drop on the floor. The doctor said this is all aftershocks of the infection that had just run rampant through my entire body and pleural cavity and that it could take until three weeks to start feeling better again. Ya know what it feels like when you have a really bad bruise and you press on it? Well my entire upper body felt like that, including my head. To breathe in caused pain.

Anyway, overall I can deal with the physical pain. I have a retardedly high pain threshold, and due to certain health issues in the past, I have learned to function regularly with chronic pain. But I've never in my life dealt with such mental 'issues', for lack of a better word. I've never cried so much in my life. I couldn't put any thoughts together and the frustration that caused alone, was ridiculous. I felt like I had completely lost my mind and I felt like nobody believed me. I couldn't formulate the words to try to explain what was going on . I started to begin to feel that people thought I was playing the sympathy card, but that was the farthest thing from the truth. I still wasn't able to hold a conversation, or to think logically, and my sister told me I was actually talking in circles and kept repeating myself. My vision was blurry, even days after being released, and my motor skills were just WAY off. I wouldn't even think about getting behind the wheel....still today, I'm NOT ready to drive at all.

You know when you go on vacation and they have all those trashy shirts with all those dumb sayings? Well all I could think of, is the one that says, "Of all the things I lost, I miss my mind the most"....or something like that. Well I began to appreciate that quote on a much greater level. For the first time in my life, I felt 100% out of control of my mind/thoughts. I was even having recurring nightmares, night after night about death. I NEVER HAVE NIGHTMARES. These were so scary and real that I'd wake up in cold sweats and began clutch onto my Bible pleading the blood of Christ over my mind. I'd attempt to read my Bible...but even reading wasn't possible, I couldn't put words together on the page, nothing made sense to me.

I had a few people try to tell me that it was an attack from the enemy on my mind. And I do NOT believe that at all, and I won't even give him that satisfaction. I knew that it had to be a result from a mix of the infection, being hospitalized, and the steroids. The question was, was it permanant or just temporary??? As most of you know, the reason that I am into alternative medicine and herbs, is because my system is so sensitive that I really can't take anything. I get side effects that are exceedingly worse then the problem and I'm never able to continue with any drug. I was put on some HEAVY doses of medications and am still on oral antibiotics.

I did see my doctor today for a follow up visit. I wanted to know what is normal, what's expected, and any long term effects of anything. She did a thorough exam. Everything seems like I'm on the road to recovery. I have some swollen lymph nodes left but she said that's normal. And praise God...she said this mental stuff is only temporary and she is almost 100% sure that I will be back to normal very shortly. As I figured, she said it was most likely due to the combination of steroids, drugs, hospitalization, and the infection. She said, "Tara, it's not like you just had strep throat or something, you were SICK, it's going to take time."
So that was a HUGE relief. I'm not gonna lie, there was part of me that was terrified, wondering what the heck would happen if I never went back to normal.

I am glad to say that I do feel better then yesterday, and my mind is starting to work a little better. I'm able to actually follow what people are saying to me. I'm still super slow at responding but yeah...I'm getting there. I've been staying with my sisters and they have been such a blessing, I can't even thank them enough. I'm out of work until at least the 14th. Dr said I can slowly begin to get some exercise. Right now taking a shower is like a marathon to me. LOL

Of course it wouldn't be a typical "Tara" appointment, without ending the whole visit saying, 'I am really fat is this gonna go away?". She looked at me and said, huh?? hahaha Then she assured me, it was from the steroids, and that's going to go away also.

So my friends, there you have it. I am supposed to be at the Ignite conference for young adults at Pinecrest Bible College today until Sunday, which obviously won't be happening. But it's OK, God apparently had alternative plans for me. I will most likely be clinging to family for at least the next few days, as that's who I feel most comfortable with right now.

Thank you to everyone who has been there for me over the past week. I feel like I owe you all my life. I can't even believe how much you have all done for me, I feel truly humbled and blessed.