Relentless

If I had to use a word to describe myself, I would chose the word relentless.
I do not give up, I do not quit, I do not stop. I had a revelation about this on Saturday morning during my prayer time. This was a huge breakthrough for me, because I entered into it feeling weak, wimpy, and questioning whether half the things I'm fighting and believing for were pointless. God showed me that He made me a fighter. He gave me a strength and a faith that is HUGE.

I don't want the easy things in life, I never have. I want and am believing for the seemingly impossible. There are situations and circumstances in my life right now that LOOK impossible. But I chose to walk by faith, and not by sight. If God promises that the same power that raised Christ from the dead resides within us as believers, why should we put limits on anything? The God I serve is a BIG God, able to do exceedingly, abundantly, so much more then I ever hoped or imagined.
What good is it to say, "look at that molehill I conquered!"....when I can instead say, "Look at the size of that mountain I moved!"

I thoroughly enjoy it when people look at me and think I'm crazy and tell me that things cannot be done. It makes me strive harder because I want to prove you wrong. And I will go at great lengths to do it. What's not possible with man is possible with God. No I cannot do these things on my own, but with Him I can.
Jesus Himself said:
I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there', and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you.
(Matthew 17:20)

So why not believe for big things? Why not strive for the seemingly impossible?
I'm not saying it's easy, because it's not. There are times I want to give up. There are times I feel like the tears will never stop. But when I look back at how far He's brought me in just about ten months, it makes me realize that anything IS possible.

So go ahead, roll your eyes at me when I tell you my plan. Talk down to me like I'm young and naive when I tell you my big idea. Tell me it can't be done. No really, do it. Because you add fuel to my fire, and it just makes me work harder.

There is unparalleled joy in looking back and knowing that all the effort, all the tears, all the sowing, all of the praying, were not labored in vain. I am headstrong, strong-willed, and relentless.

I dare you to stop me.
:)

"Don't worry that you're not strong enough before you begin. It is in the journey that God makes you strong."
-Unknown

Upcoming Concerts

This Friday, April 4th
Third Day w/ guests Sanctus Real, DecembeRadio, Revive
Palace Theater, Albany
7:30 pm, $26.50, 32.50

April 13th
Lincoln Brewster w/ guest Clark Richard
Grace Fellowship Church
7:00 pm, $15 (if anyone needs a ticket let me know I'll pick you one up this weekend after service)

April 17th
Skillet w/ guests Thousand Foot Krutch and Decypher
Northern Lights Nightclub, Clifton Park
7:00 pm, $17
(I'm told this is going to sell out FAST so don't wait til the night of or you'll be out)

See ya's there
:)

Be Still

I have 500000 things I want to write about right now that God's given me to share...and I have zero time to do it so I'm frustrated about that right now.

The only thing I want to say.........is that I want to quit my job for a year, and travel around the country like a nomad. I've had this desire for a long time.....but today, for some reason as I was walking, this desire became even stronger. The only problem is, I don't have the 100k European sports car yet. I've bounced this idea off of a couple of people in the past, but no one has really shown anything other then a classic, YOU ARE WEIRD look.

OK back to reality......I have work in the morning. And I also have school loans, car payments, and credit card debt. So this obviously won't be happening.

Freddie, thanks for stoppin' by tonight and laughing and crying with me. I needed that bro.

I'm waiting for my weekend to start now. Why do I feel like I need to run myself down, and be everywhere and do everything and see everyone? Can't just admit that I'm tired, and I want to sit home and DO NOTHING? I'm beat and desperatly need some quiet time because I feel like my insides are about to explode. During my walk today, it was God, myself, and I. (OK and my cell phone in case if a wild animal tried tearing me to shreads) But I strongly felt Him saying....BE STILL, wait on me and be still.

Maybe it's this feeling of extreme exhaustion and pushing myself to the limits that is making me crave the nomadic life worse now then ever??

OK God...I WANT to be still.......but You need to show me how........I need your help.

I need sleep. I need rest. I need peace.
Just as I wrote this with tears in my eyes......He just whispered:

Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.
Matthew 11:28-30

Amen!

100% ORGANIC

Don't ask

I have no idea what made me search Erasure. But let's just say I did, OK? Like that alone isn't embarrassing enough. Please feel free to make fun of me, I DESERVE it.

I found this video. Now, I wasn't even able to hear any of the words, because my eyes were entirely consumed by the visual stimulation set before them. I am now on the fourth round of watching it, and I am trying SO HARD to collect my thoughts and try to make sense of things. (after typing that I suddenly became aware that this is twelve minutes of my life that I will NEVER get back because it was spent on watching an Erasure video)

If it wasn't for the fact that the words are not in sync with the lips at all, I would tell you to mute it and just watch for entertainment. But I feel as if this feature adds to at least 38% of the hilarity.

I really need to move on with my day now.......

Comments.....

A wonderful friend of mine (whom I miss dearly!!) visited my blog today for the first time. She didn't post any official comments, but she did however leave me with an amazing email. I asked her for permission to post her comments, because they were WAYYYY too good to be ignored. I promised I'd keep her name anonymous.

Trident vs Orbit:
“Sometimes, I just want a nice, fresh, crisp and minty flavor that makes me feel like a successful and confident individual.”

That has got be THE BEST quote/description I have EVER heard!!! Very nice!
(thanks I was hoping that would touch someone's life in a deep way)

Me:
You are quite the talented writer!
(thanks girl! It's a concealed weapon of mine that I like to pull out every now and then whether I need to or not)

On me being called a tomboy:
I can’t imagine someone seeing you as a tomboy (though it wasn’t intentional), especially after seeing you hiking up the hill at Cornell wearing stiletto boots that would put a stripper to shame. And even just watching you match your outfits; pink purse with pink belt with pink shoes, a Tommy skirt and a cute T-shirt… haha. Unless you walked in a room, grabbed your crotch and grunted, I can’t see that term being relative. Out of curiosity, I looked up the word on Dictionary.com and what I found was interesting…you should check it out.

Spring Love Video:
Oh yeah, I LOVED the video of “Spring Love!” I have never seen it before today. And just when I thought the video couldn’t get any better, it did. I liked the progression of the hair and clothes. First we see the rockin’ mullet with shaved sides, and then the stoned-washed denim dress to the bright red butt-shorts at the beach, and then to top it off was the salmon-colored blazer with no shirt and white pants. SWEET! It an awesome song anyway, but that made it so much better.

But wait it gets better.....she watched the video again and sent this addendum:
And I can't believe the fingerless gloves went unnoticed the first time I watched that... Just in case it got a bit chilly on the beach. And what is that hanging from his ear? A paper clip earring? The mystery of it all. And you know I can't bash the girl's outfit because baby-dolls with leggings are already back. What a shame.

Cemetery Suite 510:
I was also cracking up over your story about looking for the cemeteries in suite 510. haha. I can totally picture you telling that guy you were“bored.” Haha. That’s so you!

Ahhh you made my day with your emails today. Can't wait to see ya....ummm when are you coming home again? KIDDING.

Love you girl.

This is who I am

Last night I entered into my quiet time in tears, with doubts, insecurities, fears, and brokenness. I tried to read the Word, couldn't focus, got frustrated and gave up. I tried to pray. But my thoughts consumed me and I couldn't do that either. Finally, I felt led to get this list of verses that I have about knowing who I am in Christ. It was just what I needed, and through that I received a breakthrough.

I need to become secure in who I am in Him, and not in who I am to the world, to my friends, and loved ones. I want so badly to be everything to everyone, and I just can't. I want so badly for people to accept me, and to understand me and where I'm coming from. I need to realize that's just not possible, people may never understand where I'm coming from. And if no one else understands me, God does. After all, He did make me.

Then I picked up the phone, shared my breakthrough with two of my friends, and went to bed in complete peace and surrender.
Seven hours later.....those same thoughts try flooding my head. God, I know these thoughts are not of you, the enemy is trying to fill my head with lies.

A few months ago, someone called me something, which I don't even think she realized the damage it did. She didn't say it to hurt me, she's not like that.
She called me a 'tomboy'. I've never been called that in my life. I left that night and came home crying my eyes out, I allowed a word to destroy me. I'm not like most girls and I often compare myself to a lot of the girls I know, wondering why I'm so different. Being called a tomboy, made me really think, "God, what is wrong with me?"

I used to think that I am the way I am solely because I grew up as the only girl in my neighborhood, and it was always me and my boys. However now, I'm seeing that yes, I'm sure that was a part of molding me into who I am, but the biggest part is that this is who God made me to be. There is nothing wrong with me. I am perfect in His eyes. This is how He created me.

I think flowers are beautiful, but I do not plant them and have no idea how or desire to know how. That's what they have landscapers for. I have a bamboo plant and I'm surprised I haven't killed that yet. I do not bake. Heck, I don't even own sugar or flour. Dinner parties? Sure, sounds fun. What restaurant are we going to? Or, here’s a pile of take-out menus, where do you want to order from? My theory is, I don't want to clean up, and I don't want to be in the kitchen while everyone else is out having fun. I want to be IN THE MIDDLE of the fun. I do not decorate with cute flowers or figurines or chose to fill my house with clutter. Instead I chose simple and modern. To me, the least is the best. I want cleaning to take the least amount of time as possible, and for me this is how I ensure this. I'm all about simplicity. I'm not lazy, I would just rather spend my time doing things I love with the people I love, then to be planting flowers, baking, cooking, cleaning, etc. However, most of the girls I know ARE into this stuff. And I thought there was something wrong with me because I was not.

I like fast cars (European of course). Sports bikes are hot. I have my motorcycle license. I like quality audio sound. I like to race people at red lights, it brings me great adrenaline rushes. One day I'll wear khakis and a sweater. The next stilettos, sexy jeans and a hot top. The next, Timberland's, jeans, and a hoodie. I don't really have a particular style. There's too many varieties out there, why chose from one? Burps, farts, poop? Doesn't bother me in the least, matter of fact, makes me laugh and is often the topic of conversation. I will say things that will shock you. I am not gentle, I am honest. If you want to know if something looks good and if you should buy it or not, take me shopping with you. I will tell you that it's the wrong color, or that it makes your butt look big.

I don't wear fake nails, or even nail polish. My nails are always filed, and long, and they look fantastic on their own. I don't dye my hair, there's no need to. I don't straighten my hair. God gave me curly hair, I'm gonna rock it. I'll usually go a year without even cutting my hair. I have absolutely crappy skin, and I know if I wore cover-up, I'd look way better. But I just don't care. There are occasions that call for make-up, or just times I do want to wear it. But otherwise, eye liner and lip gloss suffices for me. I am NOT nor will I ever be a size zero. I have hips and thighs. I don't care what the magazine cover girl looks like. I don't want to be 'skinny'. I like weight lifting and I want muscle tone and A BODY. Again, used to think there was something wrong with me because this stuff is important to most girls. Perfection is a common target for most women. Not me.

Dating? I don't need flowers, candy, stuffed animals and all that cute stuff to tell me you like me. Flowers die. Candy makes me fat. Stuffed animals, well, just more to clean around. I'm more of a word and action and quality time type of person. Do something for me instead. Spend time with me. Tell me how you feel and what you’re thinking. But follow your words up with actions because I will cling to every word spoken, and unless followed through, I will not trust you. Empty words will make me run from you. Again, opposite with most girls, they want this 'stuff'. Also, if you flirt with my man in front of me....we will be talking. I do not deal with that; I am feisty.

Marriage? Yes, one day. It's definitely a huge desire of my heart, but in God's perfect timing. Kids? Uhh....some day?? Right now, I'm like 5 years old myself. And most woman I know right now, all they talk about is their wedding day, and having kids, and blah blah blah. God....is there something wrong with me?? Honestly the huge production of a huge wedding scares the crap out of me. Must be the simplicity type of lifestyle I lead. LOL I'll deal with all that when it gets here.

I'm 26; I should probably start thinking about buying a house, or a car. But, I like my tiny apartment. Aside from cleaning, its maintenance free. I come and go as I please. If something breaks down, I call Sheri. Leasing cars is the poorest financial planning decision that there is. But I don't care. I want a new car every couple years. I want a car that I wouldn't be able to afford to buy otherwise, but can afford through a lease. It has nothing to do with social status, or being able to say, "I drive a BMW." Who cares about that, it's just 'stuff'. I am not trying to build up treasures here on earth. It has to do with the fact that I love European cars and the engineering involved in them and just the plain thrill that runs through your veins while driving them. Ever hear a woman say that? LOL

All these thoughts that flood my head.....are all lies. Lies from the enemy, lies from society, and lies from my own stupid self-destructive thinking.
I need to stop thinking that I’m not good enough. That I can’t measure up. That no one will want me. It’s all lies.

God, you made me this way. Yes, my past molded me; but even more so, this is who you created me to be. You placed these desires in my heart. The only person I now live to please is You. I do not need to listen to these lies, anything that is not pure and holy, is not of you, I need to cast them down. It doesn't matter that I'm not like the rest of the girls I know, you created them that way, you created me this way. I don't need to compare myself. What matters is that I am 100% secure in who I am in You.
Thank You for making me different, because now the rest of the people have someone to talk about when I'm not around. KIDDING!

I am not a tomboy. I am beautiful. I am simple. I am bold. I am rooted. I am brutally honest. Somebody will love me and accept me for who I am.

But above all that and more importantly, I am chosen, anointed, set apart, bought with price, God's friend, complete in Christ, my image is etched on the palms of His hands, and I cannot be separated from the love of God.

Spring Love?

Spring love anyone?

Yoooo as I was scanning through channels this morning, this song was on, and well........it IS spring after all, and there is no better way to bring it in then with some ol' school Stevie B. (I'm sure there is no new school Stevie B so I don't think that was necessary to add)

Couldn't resist. I think the new woman behind me at work think I'm crazy though cause I was totally rockin' out.

WHATEV's!

Trident Versus Orbit

After careful observation, and painstaking hours of chewing, I have indeed reached a verdict.

In the category of minty gums, my long time favorite has been Orbit Sweet Mint. It has an almost chocolaty mint characteristic, which isn't only good at that very exciting first couple chews where salivation is at it's maximum.....but the flavor lasts. And lasts.

However, as of recent, Trident has come in and stole my heart away with it's newest variety, Minty Sweet Twist. It has a much sharper, fresher flavor, and in famous words of Kramer, "It's like a circus in my mouth!"

This study excludes the cinnamon and fruity varieties. I'm only speaking about the mint variety right now. I do not believe that you can compare a mint gum, with a fruity gum. It would be wrong to even place them in the same category.

Sometimes, I just want a nice, fresh, crisp and minty flavor that makes me feel like a successful and confident individual.

Sometimes, I just want a fun, fruity sensation that can carry me away into daydreaming that I'm on an island laying in the sun with a cool xylitol breeze blowing over me.

And finally, sometimes, cinnamon is the taste I crave and nothing else will do. It stands alone.

Trident Minty Sweet Twist is the winner.

Any thoughts?

(asides from the fact I did this at work and obviously need a job with a little more mental stimulation?)

Benjamin's Birthday!

HAPPY 6th BIRTHDAY BENJAMIN!

I love you!

Room 510

A few weeks ago, as Freddie and I were taking the elevators down to the lobby, the doors opened up on the 5th floor to let some people out. I don't exactly know why, after working there for two and a half years, we have never noticed this.

CEMETERIES?? Room 510??

Is there really dead people in our building??

So we decided to go on yet again, another journey for amusement. We had a mission, we had to find out what this was all about.

Getting off at the 5th floor was a little weird at first, it seemed really quiet and vacant. Not a good sign. So we follow the hallway and we come to this conference room with huge plasma screens up on the walls. We didn't note that there was actually people in there, for obvious reasons...I mean HELLO We were looking for the cemeteries.

Anyway, at the end of the hall, we found out that it was actually the department of cemeteries, or some crap like that. It was a huge let down. The sign is a complete hoax.

After feeling greatly disappointed, we started walking back, and a guy came out of the conference room and said, "Can I help you guys?"

Me and all my brilliantness replied,

"No, we're just bored."

Happy Easter!

Someone had a brilliant idea to go to the 8 am service, then come back to my sister's and have a huge brunch. Which was all good until the alarm went off at 6 am. The tiredness was quickly forgotten as I pulled into the church parking lot, and saw my brother there. (PRAYER ANSWERED!) Also my niece with her friend Alyssa. (Another prayer answered)

Brunch was awesome. Good times! Had a great time catching up with the family.

By the way, there's nothing wrong with my nephew, the one with the I ROCK shirt on. I have no idea what kind of face he's making though. But he IS normal.

And let me just put a lot of questions to rest, that I've been asked over the past week, including today by MY OWN FAMILY:

1. I DO NOT GO TANNING.

2. I am NOT Puerto Rican.

3. I did NOT die my hair.

Happy Easter!

Easter Eve

This year almost slipped by without the traditional Easter egg coloring, but good ol' sister Sue came to the rescue last minute.

This year I wanted to try something never attempted before.

A solid black Easter egg.

I didn't do it to be dark or anything. Just wanted something....different.

That's my favoritest niece Shelby (15) on the left, and her friend Alyssa on the right.

Mighty to Save- Hillsong United

Audi R8 VS Porsche 911 Carrera S

The Stand

I tried to sum things up after an amazing praise and worship service tonight at Victory Christian. But my words fell short.

So,
I'll stand with arms high and heart abandoned
In awe of the One who gave it all
I'll stand
My soul Lord to You surrendered
All I am is Yours!

Saying, "Thank you, Jesus"......seems so.....not enough.

I am loved and blessed!

Gift #1

Yesterday, in effort to maintain sanity, I HAD to get out. So, I met Angela for lunch. We had a wonderful time as usual. Great conversations were held over a VERY healthy, fat free, sugar free, cholesterol free MEXICAN BUFFET.

OK I confess. I let myself GO these past 15 days of sickness. Now most people DON'T eat when they're sick. I have done the entire opposite. To make it worse, that's also 15 days of NO EXERCISE. It's going to be like starting all over again.

OK, OK, I digress.

So, after I had my triple bypass and took my Zocor, we walked out to our cars, and she showered me with this AMAZINGLY generous gift. Yes, the container was part of it! This entire thing is packed full of organic items, EVERYTHING in it is organic. Plus 3 CDs, plus a card, and a huge thing of homemade granola. I'm still in shock. It was in appreciation for driving her to VT and getting the MINI absolutely muddy inside AND OUT. :) Well, and cause she loves me!

Girl seriously, I don't feel I deserve this AT ALL....you did too much!! I appreciate it more then I can say.

RIDE OR DIE!

Love you!

Gift #2

Monday was Nicki's last day at the wonderful NYS Cancer Registry. Due to my dengue and yellow fever, I wasn't able to be there. However, she left me a VERY VERY special parting gift that I got when I walked in at precisely 7 am this morning.

Now anyone who knows me, knows I am geographically challenged. And that's a complete understatement. Recently I was asked which states border NY. And I couldn't answer. I am NOT proud of that. I actually felt mad dumb.

So this gift brings back MANY memories. There has been numerous occasions of me asking, "Nicki, where is _____?"

And to make it even MORE special....she tabbed YOU ARE HERE, to remind me of where I am.

Thanks Nicki! I will forever cherish this.

I can't wait to bring your gift to you, and be surrounded by doggies, and Lisa promised to make me lattes!!!!!

I WILL MISS YOU at the canker.

ps....yes, it says CUPCAKE!

????????

I actually was in the middle of writing something profound about words spoken, yada, yada. And it was actually getting really good.

But then, I started going through my pictures of the past. And I found this one. And well, screw being serious.

This picture was taken last year on St. Patrick’s Day at McIntyre’s. This is EXACTLY how the picture came out. That finger was NOT added afterwards.

I guess there's really not much more I can say about this. It speaks for itself.

Berkshire Idol VOTE FOR NICKI SKIPPER!

In support of my good friend Nicki Skipper, Rockstar, CTR, I wanted to post this information for her. She in incredibly talented and I hope ya'll can take a few minutes to watch her video, and vote for her, or even come out to support the cause.

Here's her email she sent:



Hi everyone...I made it into the Berkshire Idols final competition...a huge THANKS to everyone who sponsored me and to those who came out and saw the semi-finals. The final performance will be held on March 29 at 6:30pm at Drury High School in North Adams, MA. Information can be found at http://www.iberkshires.com/ (click on the IDOL link about halfway down the page on the right). Tickets are $15.00 and all proceeds go to charity...come out and bring the kids to this one!

Also, as in the "real" contest, voting is encouraged! All of the semi final performances were taped and the finalist's videos are now posted on the website. The winner will be determined by judges at the final contest, but there are prizes for online voting so check this out...the sound quality leaves much to be desired but there are some kids in this contest who can sing!

http://www.iberkshires.com/berkshireidol/index.php?nav_id=4

Nicki

Mary J Blige- Be Without You

Widely known as the "Queen of Hip Hop Soul", everyone knows that Mary J is my all-time favorite artist, and has been since her first release, What’s The 411 in 1991. This song is off of her album titled The Breakthrough, released in 2005. Amazing lyrics, she looks gorgeous, she’s about as real as it gets, and her emotions can be felt. Heard the song a million times, could hear it a million more. Of all of her songs from her eight CDs, this song is definitely in my top 5 favorites.

I need to get outta here!

Angela asked me to buy her 16 break up songs that she had chosen, and make her a CD cause shes having computer issues and she can't do it. I figured since I was sitting here eagerly awaiting a return call from my Dr's office, I would do that for her. So I'd like to personally thank you for subjecting me to this right now, I think I' m gonna go shoot myself, THANKS. Good thing they're not depressing.
Some good songs though. Although your lacking Apologize on there. But you made up for it with No More Drama BY FAR! Oh, and Who Knew.

Woke up this morning not breathing well AT ALL. Took my inhalers....didn't work. I think it was a God thing that my sister called a few hours later. She got sick with the same thing I have a few days after I came down with it, and she just found out yesterday that she has pneumonia. I have all the same symptoms she does. I called my Dr over 2 hours ago, still waiting for a call back. Good thing its NOT URGENT.

Just found out Freddie is going to Cancun for spring break. That made me insanely jealous. But I'm happy for him, that's awesome. Good for you! You deserve a vacation, after using all of those analytical skills and such in your relatively new field staff position. You and Mrs. Colon are going to become GREAT friends I bet. I'm not bitter. I am, after all, just a coder. :)

I need a vacation so bad.
At this point, I don't care where. I don't care how much it costs. I don't care for how long. I don't care with who. OK, that's a lie. There are some people I just COULDN'T vacation with. One of us would die. I just NEED to get out of here. Preferably somewhere warm. Preferably for an extended period of time. (not just a weekend, although that would do right now too)
Ideas anyone? Anyone interested?

Trying to get the energy to take a shower. I know as soon as I get in there, the Dr's going to call. Actually, I could bet my life on that right now.
Let's see if I'm right.....

Hows all this for random??

1013 C Home Invasion

I have enforced a strict don’t ask/don’t tell policy.

All I know is that I will never be able to look in my refrigerator, or cabinets, without cracking up at my food choices.

I also never fully appreciated, nor was aware, of just how BIG my apartment truly is.

THANKS!

Sweet Frienships in a Sour World

Ecclesiastes 4:9-10
Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work:
If one falls down, his friend can help him up.
But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up!

Isaiah 61:7
Instead of their shame my people will receive a double portion, and instead of disgrace they will rejoice in their inheritance; and so they will inherit a double portion in their land, and everlasting joy will be theirs.


Over the past ten months, I’ve learned a lot about friendships. The foundation of my friendships now, is entirely different from what I once knew.

Night after night, bar after bar, party after party, drink after drink, hangover after hangover. I became disillusioned. Bored. There HAD to be more to life. Searching the town for the next hot band to listen to while drinking myself to oblivion got old…fast. And expensive. I was going through money like crazy. Drinks, taxicabs, new outfits to go out in, cover charges. I saw my life spiraling out of control like never before. The only thing I had to look forward to was numbness.

Tara…. you’re SMARTER then this. You were raised better then this. But hey, it was all I had. They were my friends.
Right?

When I look back, I see God’s hand of protection over me HUGELY, even while living this lifestyle so displeasing to Him. God…why did you do that for me?? I didn't deserve it.
I guess this was all part of the Plan. Part of my soon-to-be testimony.

I found myself getting so bored, that I would get trashed with the sole intent to make the time pass by quickly. I didn’t want to be sitting there anymore. There’s WAY too much stuff out there to do. How about traveling? How about hiking? How about seeing the beauty of nature? Let’s go on a road trip. Let’s go have a picnic at Thatcher Park. Let’s go shopping for a day at the outlets.
Nope. None of that involved alcohol, no one would be down for any of it.

Finally, I recall the LAST time I sat at a bar. It was a band that we saw regularly, weekly actually. I used to love them. That night, I decided, I was NOT going to drink. Not that night. Not anymore. There HAD to be more to life then this. Sitting there sober was weird. Nothing was funny, although everyone around me was laughing. The music I once enjoyed so much, sucked. I recall texting Freddie the entire time for amusement. I left early that night. That was my last night out with them.

God placed a calling on my life. And for the first time in 26 years, I answered.
It was HARD. It was painful. The tears were plentiful. I was on my face more then I can tell you.

Out of obedience, I not only just abruptly stopped hanging out with them, but I cut ALL contact with them. The hardest part of all of it, was one of them, was my brother. It hurt SO badly. It hurt even more, knowing that I was hurting them, and they couldn’t understand why. It would make no sense to them whatsoever, no point in trying to explain.

Out of it all, I have learned that God will place you through a season of loneliness in order to get you to the place where He wants you, and to bring the right friendships into your life. But did it have to hurt THIS bad? I couldn’t even come home after work. I would drive around for long periods of time because at least being on the road, I knew I was surrounded by people and I wasn’t alone.

Through this all, God placed one, extremely special person in my life that I will be forever grateful for. Her name is Angela and I had met her a few years back. Our only contact up until that point was sporadic emails. She was the only Christian I knew at the time. Up until then, I refused to be friends with Christians because they seemed so fake, so judgmental, so perfect, so…everything I wasn’t, or ever willing to be.

But she was different. She discipled me, she helped me to grow. She explained to me everything that was going on. I had no idea what God was doing. I had no idea that God would allow pain, but only for a greater purpose and only out of love. She was there for me more then I can ever thank her for. These words aren’t even enough, girl you will NEVER know.

I had clung to words that I had heard on a Joyce Meyer CD, about God repaying you double for all of your trouble. Even though I didn’t fully understand it, or know what the outcome would be, I pressed-in, and didn’t look back. I don’t even think I knew why I was doing all of this, but I just knew I couldn’t look back, I couldn’t go back. I didn't WANT to go back.

Now, ten months later. I am SO unbelievably blessed with AMAZING friendships. I have more friends now then I ever had at one given point in any time in my life. My weekends are always packed full and usually ends up with me having to chose between options. Even better? I’m STILL meeting new people continually. God is AMAZING. I’m not saying any of that bragging…because that’s ALL God and He gets all the glory.

The point of this story? I’m mostly telling ya’ll how awesome God is and just sharing a very SMALL part of my testimony. Also giving props to my friends, who have been there, who have helped me grow, who have prayed with me, prayed for me, challenged me, and have helped me get to the point where I am now. These are TRUE friendships, friendships like I’ve never known before, set on a solid foundation.

Experiencing a season of loneliness? God calling you to do something huge that you just don’t think you can do on your own? I promise you He will not leave you alone. He will not give you more then you can handle at once. He will deliver you out of the fiery furnace, and you will not even smell like smoke. Just when you think the pain cannot get anymore intense, when you feel you can’t possibly have any tears left, continue standing in the rain. Press in, pray, continue following in obedience…..and in God’s perfect timing, you will see a breakthrough.

I’m living proof.

4-Day weekend/Sincere Apology

The good news is that I have been taken out of work for at least two days.
The bad news is that I have really bad bronchitis, sinus infection, double ear infections, swollen glands, and possible pneumonia. I’m on antibiotics and inhalers. If I’m not better in two days, I have to go back for a chest x-ray.
I guess I didn’t want to give in to the fact that I was sick, and have been for 11 days now.
My complete inability to breathe should have been an indication that I needed medical attention. (Or the fact that I’ve sat up the past 2 nights because I was gasping for air?)
I really thought I had this on my own, with no medications, with no MDs. Bummer!

I somehow got up, and made it to the 9 am service this morning. It felt like someone was stabbing me in the lungs, and I couldn’t even stand up for praise and worship because I couldn’t breathe and didn’t have the energy. Don't even ask me what the service was about. LOL
So I guess at that point I decided I needed to do something about it.

Anyway….this isn’t a poor me story. I’ll get over it.
Although I know should stay home and rest for the next two days, anyone who truly knows me, knows what’s really gonna go down.
I have the complete inability to sit still, or to sit down, for more then 15 minutes at a time. I have to be doing SOMETHING. That, coupled with the fact that I hate being alone, is indicating to me, that I need to make plans. That’s a potential 48 hours with no human contact. I’m spiraling into a panic attack just thinking about it.
Ok now I’m just being dramatic.
It’s actually a perfect time to be seeking God for answers that I need right now for a MULTITUDE of things.

I’m missing Nicki’s last day at work tomorrow, and I’m SUPER bummed. However…I just ordered her the coolest parting gift EVER, and it’s going take about a week to get here. So once it does, I’ll be hand delivering it to her in Bennington.

The remaining point of this, is that I SINCERELY APOLOGIZE to everyone that I have potentially infected this past weekend. I’m praying for protection for everyone that I’ve been in contact with. I highly suggest Airborne, Vitamin C, Zinc, Echinacea...

Food Court Musical

This is the kind of thing I want to do for a living. I want to quit my job, and do this! I'm all about doing things to watch people's reactions....it fulfills me!